Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Warning I am in a depressed bad mood! You may not want to read this!!

So I wake up this morning with Carter on my mind. I had a dream and he was there. So for some reason at 4am I am laying in bed thinking of the day he died. It was like I relived everything from about 5am until he died that afternoon. I laid in my bed crying. I could just see him fighting so hard to stay here with us. Then I could see the nurse checking his heart and that was it. Bradley had just stepped out of the room so I was standing there with Lebron and he lost it. I just stood there holding him up. Then Bradley walked in the room and I can still see the look on his face. I know we all thought we were prepared we knew he was dying for weeks. But you can not prepare yourself for that. I can see him laying there so peaceful and life less. It is the strangest thing in the world to me how one minute he was laying there alive and the next minute his body is there but it is so empty. I think the hardest part of all it was seeing this unemotional family all the sudden have real emotions. All these boys who have held it together for so long be so heartbroken and crying, telling there dad goodbye and they love him. Something I don't know I have ever seen and I hope I never have to see it again. Then the funeral where my little Lucas falls apart. He was so heart broken. To see him get in Nana's lap at the graveside and cry his little eyes out. But the most heartbreaking thing of all this is that Logan already barely remembers anything. You just had to know how crazy Logan and Carter were about each other. I used to joke that we had joint custody because I think he stayed there as much as he stayed home. So I warned you before you read this it wasn't going to be pretty!! I am sorry I had to vent to someone!!

The highlight of my day came when Lucas came in the living room in his underwear and Logan looks up at him and say Oh No Panty Man!! LOL I know why Carter loved him so much. Logan can put a smile on your face no matter how you feel! He is a mess!!!

I hope everyone has a great Christmas! I still have some shopping to do. Hope I am finished by Friday! I am really wanting a stress free Christmas Eve. I am usually still shopping. Well have a great weekend!

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